Day Seven

I’m going to gun down more people. More people’s lives will be taken by me and there will be more blood. I don’t even know if I shot any of the loyalists on those boats or if the others shot them all, but I tried to shoot them. I tried and if I didn’t get hold of them it was because of the darkness, I couldn’t see. It seems cruel and mean, but I am proud to have shot a gun for real, now I’m part of them, part of the army for real. I haven’t even been in the army for a month but I’m already out to fight a real war. It feels like my head is going to explode. I have no adequate training, I’m afraid to shoot people and I can’t take peasants food without feeling guilty. Now I’m going to war, with my own rifle and loads of ammunition. This is real and there is no way out. I know I could be a superior soldier if I had more training, but there is no time for training, San Ildefonso has been taken over and we must win it back. I understand Captain Mendoza’s reasoning it really is necessary to attack now, before we have no chance anymore. I know that if we don’t win San Ildefonso back, the war will be lost and there would be many more years of suffering. Even though I’m nowhere near ready to be fighting a real war, I will give my best. I will give my best to feel good about myself, to maybe outdo Juan, and to show Mendoza that I’m not a babysitter.